don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
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I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
wtf is an acronym
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
i’m sure it’s fine
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.