I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
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Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I’m awake but I object,
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.