Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!