Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*