I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I hope it’s French Onion!
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.