When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
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*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr