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[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.