I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
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I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
The cashier just checked me out.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.