Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.