ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
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Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings