The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
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If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
“A little help here, Danny?”
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it