banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
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14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat