FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
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The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Dead sexy!!
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays