That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
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According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
More like Kate Missington.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup