ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
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A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!