Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
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I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Tell me you get it…🤣
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?