What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
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ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT