getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
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Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
This is hilarious….
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.