Wikigenius
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therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.