[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
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You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Meanwhile in Portland…
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac