Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”