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Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My typo game is string.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
me and my fake scenarios
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor