Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
You Might Also Like
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Basically.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat