Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
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My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
When can I start eating bats again.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve