13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
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Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
me and the Superbowl rn
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no