Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
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“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”