Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
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I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
😂😂😂
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to