PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
You Might Also Like
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.