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A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy