mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
You Might Also Like
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.