I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
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My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents