Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
You Might Also Like
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.