Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs