Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
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Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for