Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
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Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Sign at work today
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.