My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
live long and prosper!
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.