[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).