In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
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We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Hey I worked for it too!
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Pringles
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”