When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
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[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
found my next D&D character name
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.