My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
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The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Battery falling down a hole
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.