My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
You Might Also Like
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF