[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.