When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now