“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
You Might Also Like
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there