Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
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Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
back to work
New Tinder profile.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.