A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
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remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
dads on road-trips be like
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.