Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
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I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
NASA has no chill
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Britain be like
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.