ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills