Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Brands during Pride
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.