Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
You Might Also Like
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.